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I’ve pretty much always been a creative person. For the majority of my childhood I expressed that through an interest in acting. I attended a youth theatre group and had 10 years of fun there. But in the last, say, 2 or 3 years at HM I began to grow bored of it. After I left, I found that I was more passionate about writing than I ever was about acting.
But I still felt like I was no good. It’s a fear I’ve had hound me through my entire life. I never really wanted to show many people my writings because I always thought I was a fraud, writing stuff that only just passed as ok…ish. So you can imagine how I felt when, a few months back, I actually entered my first ever short story competition.
Today we found out the results and, sadly, I didn’t even make it as a finalist. I’m in no way bitter about this. I feel like in order for me to be bitter I would have to think my writing is absolutely definitely good enough to win any competition I enter. And I don’t. I never thought I was good enough.
Yet I still feel sad that I didn’t make it. As stated above, I’ve never felt good enough and therefore have never entered things like this. But now I have and I’ve not made it as a finalist (I never expected to win)… I feel like that’s some kind of confirmation that I’m not good and that my fears were right. Logically I know this is ridiculous, but I just can’t shake the feeling off.
So how exactly does one cope with losing when one is a wildly insecure moron? :P
Remember 2 years ago when I said I was wondering what the big deal about Supernatural was, and then I tried to get into it but the first couple of episodes bored the heck out of me so I gave up? Remember how after that I said I’d never try to watch the show again?
I’ve now watched 8 seasons, I obsess over Destiel (and to a lesser extent Sam/Castiel*), I despise Megstiel with a fiery passion (pizza has been ruined for me XD), and I adore Gabriel probably a lot more than I should.
*Does this ship have a name?
Once upon a time, many years ago, I started shipping Spike and Dawn from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I always thought they could be a cute couple post season 7! Whenever I pictured them together, a couple of years had always passed since the end of the show. You know, ‘cause morals.
Then I saw a certain confession on a Buffy confessions blog, and it made a good point. Buffy and Angel got together when Buffy was 16, and they were freaking canon. So, by the show’s rules, it would be kind of ok for Spike and Dawn to potentially start something during season 7 rather than post season 7.
But then the worst thing ever happened.
I discovered Dangerous.
It made me mega conflicted. I wondered if I should still be shipping Dawn and Spike, I wondered if I should still be a fan of James Marsters, I wondered.. well, I wondered a lot of things. But the worst part of this whole thing is that I like the damn song, and I still like Marsters, and I ship Dawn and Spike more than ever, and I’m mostly ok with the whole thing.
Yes, I recognize that it’s creepy. Yes, I recognize I shouldn’t be ok with this. But I just am. And I hate myself for being ok with this. It sucks. Of all the things fandom and celebrities has ruined for me, I never thought my moral compass would be affected. But James Marsters just had to smash my moral compass to pieces, didn’t he?! XD
And I just had the weirdest thought ever about this situation. Out of nowhere, Tom Hiddleston popped into my head and I had this thought: Tom would never confuse me like James has. I think being a fan of Tom’s is the sanest place I can be. XD
Hey, Lilah. I know it’s a long shot that this post will reach you. Maybe you’re not even on tumblr anymore, but I’ll be darned if I’m just gonna sit back and do nothing, so here we go.
My name is Michelle (though you may just remember me as Beth) and we knew each other through tumblr RP. You were River Song (justwaituntilmyhusbandgetshere) and I was - and to a degree still am - Lyra Sigma (theoldestcompanion).
Your River blog no longer exists and I never knew if you had any other blogs, RP or personal. But you were one of the greatest friends I made on tumblr and it sucks that we’re no longer in contact. So, if by some freak chance you see this, please, please, please drop me an ask, reblog this post or tweet me at TheRPAddict. I value our friendship too much to just let this go, and I realize that I’m coming off as a crazy stalker but oh well. XD
I apologize to the Whovians and Alex Kingston fans who see this random post in your tag, but tagging this with Doctor Who, River Song and Alex Kingston will hopefully *fingers crossed* give me more chance of reaching Lilah. So… yeah… sorry…
If anyone here knows Lilah, nudge her gently in my direction? :P XD
Is anyone’s ask box open for some, like, ranting or whatever? ‘Cause I feel like fucking crap right now and I just need someone to talk to. Please…?
1: I care too much about what others think of me.
2: I almost never smile or laugh in public.
3: When I do, I immediately stop ‘cause I feel guilty.
4: I rarely leave my house (see point 1 for why).
5: I take any abuse that’s thrown my way without sticking up for myself.
6: I let myself go ‘cause I don’t think I’m worth it.
7: I hold onto anger ‘cause it’s the only emotion I’m good at.
8: I don’t talk to new people, ‘cause I assume they’ve already made up their minds about me.
9: I reject any help that passes my way, ‘cause I’m infuriatingly stubborn and believe I can deal with my problems myself.
10: I don’t let people get close, ‘cause I’m scared of getting hurt.
I can’t even… I just… I know I’m way late to the game but I’ve just seen episode one of season five of Glee. And… just… OH MY FU***NG GOD!!!!!!! I CAN’T EVEN! THE RIVAL (FELLOW) SHOW CHOIRS! SEBASTIAN! EVIL SEBASTIAN! IT’S ALL JUST… TOO MUCH! SBDGHSDKFBASJKHFDBFBHFKAVFKSBFBDKJFBSDJBFSDJ BLAINE PROPOSED AND JUST FHWEIUFHEWDHSJLADHJASDHUIASHFUIAHFI
Ok… I think I’m done fangirling… Sorry and all that jazz… XD
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